Irony Defined
by TrulyWished
Summary: During a typical day at the Eleventh, Kenpachi watches relationships around him and realizes he doesn't need anyone. Mostly crack with yaoi of course tossed in to make it semi-presentable. A birthday fic for Shinigamisfish. Rating up for language/yaoi.


Disclaimer: Bleach belongs to Kibo Tite and I make no money.

Warnings: language, yaoi (duh, this is me)

Hooray, I did it! Barely but I booted'er and got it done. This is for my beta, shinigamisfish, so Happy Birthday! She adores Kenpachi, so I tried my hand at a piece with him as the main point of view. Whether I did a passable job, who knows? But, the effort counts too, and I hope you enjoy it. Please review and let me know what you thought. Thank you!

Irony Defined

Every thug has a secret. All of us, and we're all willing to die to protect it. It's part of the thug code or some crap. It's a deep secret, one that is never said out loud and if some idiot happens to blurt it out, any and all thugs within earshot are obliged to kill him. As gruesomely as possible.

It's a simple secret, a common secret. More of a desire, a need than a want. And when it's met, even the worst of assholes changes. Looking around me is the fastest way to verify that. Ikkaku, the idiot, hovers over that blond he dragged home one night and wouldn't let leave. Yumichika, easiest lay in both worlds, just about killed a guy for propositioning him yesterday and two the day before. That new kid, Genji or something, now he's a piece of work. He swears and fights just like anyone else right up until that quiet brunet from the Fourth wanders in, then it's all manners and fawning.

Disgusting.

They're all just looking for a partner. Someone who listens for hours to the same boring ass stories and who keeps laughing at the same stupid jokes. Someone to carry them to bed when they stumble in, too drunk to do anything more than lean and puke. A partner who shows up at the bar not to drag them home but to have a drink and play a few hands of poker. And someone who, when they just get too tired and lash out, won't break or falter, but smack them right back.

Sturdy and tough, that's the kind of lover most thugs choose. Looks are important but they aren't everything and when it comes to long term, everyone knows the truth. Patience and stubbornness will get you centuries farther than a pretty face or big boobs. Of course, somehow in my crowd, boobs have nearly vanished from the menu.

"Ow!" Ah fuck, that blond, what's his name, has managed to hurt himself again. Another tiny cut to add to his collection. You'd think the brat had never held a knife before.

Heavy steps and I shift out of range of the door that flies open with a bang. "Kira!" Yeah, that's his name. The idiot has arrived, snarling at anyone within looking range of his precious darling, itching to find who is responsible for this massive injury. "Kira, what happened?" Makes me ashamed to have this moron in the division the way he carries on.

But having that Lieutenant around isn't so bad. Kind of like having a mom for all the putzes. He doesn't sleep at night, preferring to doze in the mornings and nap in the afternoons. Mostly he wanders around the kitchen at night, just roaming around, not doing anything or going anywhere. Enough to make you crazy some nights but he's quiet most of the time and easy to ignore. And some nights, he has company.

Everyone has nightmares, the edges of guilt that pick and nibble at their minds, secrets they wish they could forget that stalk them from the shadows. And when it gets to be too much, the men sneak down to the kitchen and sit at the table, letting Kira make them tea. He's quiet and listens, breathing softly while they talk, spilling decades of secrets in minutes. That scrawny little guy has more info on the filthy laundry of Rugongai and Seireitei than anyone else in the history of the Spirit World.

Through it all, he sits, sipping his tea and nodding without saying a word, and you know that when you leave he'll put it all out of his little head and never speak of it again. There are some rules, of course. No looking directly at him, or staring at exposed skin, or thinking dirty thoughts in his presence, because Ikkaku knows. Kira would never tell but that bald idiot always knows. And he will kill you.

Most importantly, Kira keeps the idiot from running around attacking people and makes him work. I try hard not to see the kisses and 'rewards' given for completed forms. Everyone else turns a blind eye, which is just as well. Looking earns a beating. Considering having a dirty thought? Death. No matter how many nights he spends on the floor for it, Ikkaku will kill anyone and everyone who messes with Kira. No exceptions. He's developed some kind of sixth sense about shit like that.

Much like Yumichika. He's so pissy lately, hissing and spitting at anyone who gets too close to him. Took that kid from the Fourth over an hour to reattach the new guy's hand after the fruit cut it off when it groped him. Everyone keeps their distance now, no more casual flirting or fooling around. Hell, thinking about it can get your ass kicked. But just let the pervert from the Ninth show up and it's sparkles and sunlight. Makes me sick to think that could be my third seat if he weren't so lazy. "Shu-bunny!" Fuck, he's here.

The stars and disgusting rainbows wash over me and I shift further from the door as that feathered freak glides through, hips swinging. "Yumi, don't call me that." But the tattoos are almost hidden under the blush and the taller guy leans down to kiss soft lips. "How was your day?" As if it's not the same very day. Moron.

"Oh, it was awful! Bleach over there was so rude to me and stepped on my new coat!" A fake sniffle and I roll my eyes. There he goes, and Kira will be right behind him.

A loud snort from across the room where the blond is getting his finger bandaged. "If you would pick up your things and not be such a pig, they wouldn't be stepped on." They snarl at each other and everyone between clears out while Hisagi wraps an arm around the skinny waist and Ikkaku pins his blond to the chair.

The brunet grins suddenly, flashing a full mouth of slightly pointed teeth. "Idiot."

"Ugly." It's always a pissing match when those two are in the same room.

The thin nose points in the air with a sniff. "Weak."

"Fat-ass."

Aaaaaannnndd, they're off. Yumichika drops his elbow and ducks the grabbing arm at the same time as Kira kicks Ikkaku in the knee and rolls free. Reitsu gathers between pale hands as Fujijaku is drawn, all five blades flipping free. Maybe we'll see some action yet.

"Oh, no, no, don't fight!" Damn, another decent fight ruined.

The brat from the Fourth runs forward from the door, trips and goes flying between the two charging forces. "Hana!" A ball bounces on the floor as a dark blur swoops down on the small brunet, bringing Yumichika and Kira up short. While they pause to reorient themselves, the ball explodes, throwing them both backwards into their respective lovers.

Fluffed feathers blink rapidly before tears course over the soot covered face. "Shuhei!" The wail drowns out Kira's coughing from where he's bent over holding his stomach.

"Ow, Ganju! What are you doing?" My third seat is hovering, patting the frizzy bangs and trying to decide what to do with himself as the dark faced Lieutenant complains.

And the cause of it all is curled protectively around his little charge, who is kicking energetically away so he can breathe again. "You pricks better not start anything! You could have gotten Hana!" Eyes roll all around as the huge body unfurls and soft cooing starts.

Another regular day in the Eleventh. When the hell did we turn into a daycare? Some drills might be in order, make them into, maybe not men, but fewer pansies? I grab my drink and throw it back before pouring another. May as well make the day semi worth my while.

Makes me glad I don't need any of that crap. I'm good without some twit telling me I'm good. A shriek echoes in the room and the brat leaps from Kira's shoulder, bounces off the table and Ikkaku's back to land against my chest and shimmy her way around to lie across my shoulders. "Ken-Ken!" I pat her pink head absently, ruffling long bangs out of her eyes. She needs a hair cut soon, I'll have to tell Yumichika to do so. "Ken-Ken, tell me! Tell me a story!"

"Sure. How about the one right before I picked you up, when I killed twenty five men. It was just a little one though." She just beams and pats my hair, making the bells ring. Yeah, who needs someone to tell me I'm good?

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So, not much to say. I apologize, I realize I haven't been keeping up with anything else but hopefully I won't have to work as much and will get something done. Yes, I do say that all the time. Blurred Lines is moving, slowly but going. Spaces Between is, well, having an issue. I'll fix it, I swear. When, who knows, but I'm trying. Thank you for sticking with me and not just giving up.


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